Wikipedia:
Asexuals may experience romantic attraction, or the desire for, fantasy of, or propensity towards romantic love, often directed at people of genders falling within an affectional orientation. Many asexuals also identify as straight, gay or bi,hetero-, homo-, or bi-romantic. Some asexuals identify as "aromantic." A relationship between an asexual and a sexual person does not necesarily involve sexual activity. using the terms in a strictly affectional sense.

Just to clear this up :-)

Hints, Allegations And Things Left Unsaid

Writing from the states, had to after today's enlightening experience. Out at Islands Of Adventure (not a Walt Disney Wank theme park, thank fuck!), we walked past a psychic tent, something tourists buy into really. The people in the tent didn't try and get you to buy in, instead they let human curiosity run as it should. It was $15 for 5 minutes with a card reader and after umming and ahhing about it for a few, I went for it.

All I told my card reader was my first name and I was very careful of my body language. This it turned out would've been impossible to pick-up on as she did most of the reading with her eyes closed.

First she got me to shuffle a relatively thick deck, which going by the rough amount I guessed was probably your standard major and minor arcana deal and then 2 smaller decks of cards (I'm not sure what type).

She spread the cards out as I had shuffled them and told me to pick several cards from the main deck and one from each smaller deck.

I did so and the cards were placed, the Three Of Swords appearing again (if I had a quid for the amount of times it has appeared, I could pay off a student loan).

The first three cards were Travelling, The Warrior and The Star.

- I will find myself very soon if it hasn't already started and it will happen very quickly.
- I will find a passion and it will become rooted in my heart.
- I am just about to get on my path.
- The Three Of Swords was important. She mentioned that 3 is a very important number in my life (I have been thinking about that lately). She said it was 3 months/3 years or 3 loves, something around the number 3 that I had been hurt by.
- Something that happened in March was important (I think I know exactly what).
- Someone promised you a lot "that has never come to pass". (Again, I know exactly what).
- I will let go of everything around the Three Of Swords soon.
- Parents: Both come from a loving place; better relationship with mother, father - hard around the edges, soft inside, very accurate.
- I have the potential to make a lot of money. Tied to this card was one that basically affirmed that I need to speak up and be more assertive.
- There is something that I need to do now, or in spring, but not in November, December or January (again, I think I know what).
- "Not crazy, not schizo" - different sides to personality, how she phrased it was very accurate.
- "In touch with your spirituality".
- Sexuality issues will become clear.
- "Not a bad childhood, but turbulent times" (very accurate) - I am letting go of these at the moment apparently.

And ran out of time before the future card, though it was probably a good thing going by what my cousins got.

The Ancestry Post

I'm going to post a random post once in a while on a random direct ancestor. I have some rather odd and interesting ones. The American genepool is a tad messy.

One of my great great grandfathers...

Name: Zachary B. Branch
Sex: M
Birth: Jan 1875
Death: 1930 in Pope County, Arkansas
Burial: Pigsah Cemetery, Atkins, Arkansas
Quoted from a cousin... Boyd (a relative) told of Zach living in the Bottoms of the Arkansas River. A drunk man came to the porch. He told him to leave... he kept trying to get in Zach's house. Zach shot him and then turned himself in for doing it.

Excerpt from a newspaper

Oct. 17, 1912 - Will Hughes Shot
by Zack Branch
Will Hughes was shot by Zack Branch at the
latter's house near the Arkansas River, 5 miles southeast of Russellville,
yesterday morning at 2o'clock... Mr. Boyd said these Branches were not ones to
mess with as they would just 'shoot you'.

The Backyard Babies

Went with my sister and my dad to see The Backyard Babies last night. Not bad at all! Zara's been a huge fan of Backyard for a while (understatement, about 4 years) and dad's still into his punk - he doesn't grow up!

Got to The Brook after about an hour and a half of driving and a few wrong turns, even with the satnav. Queued up for about ten minutes before the doors opened and we headed to the upstairs bar for beers and to watch the first band, Skintight Jaguars. They were pretty good, the audience just wasn't awake at that point sadly.

Next up, Crucified Barbara. Definitely a breath of fresh air, I haven't been so inspired or blown away by a band for about three years. Musically amazing and as weird as it seems, I've never seen a girl solo anywhere near the standards that I saw last night and the bassplayer showed up a lot of others with the walking fingers technique. Definitely checking this band out again.

The Backyard set passed in a blur, we were right by Dregen :-) They didn't play "A Song For The Outcast", but they did do "Fuck Off And Die", "Nomadic", "Minus Celsius" and "The Clash" :-)

I just got a bit scared, playing about with Google Earth. I've been putting down placemarks as to where my friends are all disappearing to when they go to uni and the distance is visible from space.

A Certain Shade Of Green

Last night I was reminded again just how bitchy and downright nasty the pub cover scene can be. For one, I appreciate that my place in the band is something of a novelty for those that come see us. I am female and the youngest member of the band by about 15 years (our drummer is 30 years older than myself). There is only one other female on the entire Andover pub covers circuit. I understand the novelty there, but twice members of other bands have tried to use this for cheap shots. Bit low level?

I beg a question of the local scene of 40-somethings who play music for whatever reason... Can we please just stick to the music?

Incubus - A Certain Shade Of Green - "Are you going to stand around 'til twentytwelve AD? What are you waiting for, a certain shade of green?"

All the countless horrible grey clouds surrounding the concept of going to university cleared in my head today. I've been joking around with going to a university as far away as possible to get away from everything, just to break away. I was rooting around and looking at the websites of Scottish universities and I suddenly knew exactly where I was going and exactly what I was going to do. I stumbled on it by mistake but instinct has told me that this could very possibly be it.

Commercial Music at the University Of The West Of Scotland - Ayr (30 miles southwest of Glasgow)
"The primary objective of this course is to enable those with talent and ability to forge a varied, life-long career. Incorporating performance, business, technology and sociology elements, the course is delivered predominantly at University Campus, Ayr. It is structured around a spine of key skills modules (IT, Communication and Negotiation Skills, Structure of the Music Industry, Applied Creativity), and allows students to select modules in Performance and/or Production and/or Industry Environment/Sociology thereby customising the final qualification to suit their chosen career path.

Advanced project work including record releases and performance events will be staged regularly to develop the students' experience and understanding of the industry environment. Open to musicians, producers, DJs, re-mixers, those wishing to run small record companies, develop artists or stage live events, the course will encourage each student to develop a group of specialisms making them sufficiently versatile to sustain not one, but several serial careers in the music industry."

I just know that this is the general direction I am headed and I have never felt quite so sure about anything in my entire life. At college I have been unsure of which direction to go in, nothing really sticking out for me, but this is enlightenment. It incorporates music and media in so many ways.

- Choice of direction of the course, performance/production/sociology.
- Analysis of copyright and intellectual property.
- Professional practice.
- Digital music and video production.
- Events production.
- Investigation of the international music markets.
- Website design.
- Music product design.
- 4 week industry placement.
- Album production, venue production, artist development and radio production.
- Festival and tour production.

Steady On Your Feet

I am in self-destruct mode, though I don't know why. I think maybe I need to take some time to realign what really holds any meaning to me, and what will carry me to where I need to be.

First of all, a friend's photography project needs to be brought up. A genius idea, going with the PostSecret style; I was asked to do a card a while back and write a secret on it. I had never come across this "PostSecret" idea before this, so I thought long and hard. I don't think I have any skeletons and yet I think I do at the same time, so rather than trying to psychoanalyse myself, I wrote down an issue, maybe something that wasn't openly known before as opposed to a "secret".

I am no longer with one of the most nicest men on this planet. He is right, we are very different. However, I will always thank him for teaching me a lot about myself, whether he realised it or not. There were these little encouraging challenges from him that I needed, though they didn't really click until now. A "c'mon, let's go" or "c'mon, let's do this" or "how about...?" instead of shrugs of dismissal like someone with no aim in life. Little challenges, from a true day-seizer, someone who is really going places; I wish him all the best and guarantee that there will be someone truly amazing who will be the right one for him.

The "secret" on the card? "I've never trusted any man even though I have no reason not to."

That has changed and I am and will always be grateful.

Soul Asylum - Runaway Train - "You were there like a blowtorch burning, I was a key that could use a little turning."

Questions Of Self

I think I need to post this for the one or two friends that do drop by this from time to time explained properly here

Certain common myths that the poster explains later include the "You just haven't met the right guy". If I had a quid for every time I've been told this, I could pay for my driving lessons, university education and quite possibly pay off a mortgage.

I'm not "saving myself" as I have informed most so that I am not roped into some long discussion where I will be disbelieved. I just don't want it. I'm not trying to keep myself pure so that when I actually do get married it will be "special". I am fully prepared and in favor of an entire life without. Don't assume that my lack of interest translates to "waiting for the right person" or some other excuse.

There we go, I've found myself.

The Levellers - Men-an-Tol - "It's there to find if you've got the mind and you don't live in fear of it."

T-Day

Well, I finally got around to getting inked as planned yesterday. Met Dan that morning in Salisbury and we sat and chilled with an epic Starbucks frapp - I mean seriously epic, mochachoca something or other, truly truly epic and impossible to finish (the kind of coffee that sends mere mortals into insulin shock) - before heading over to The Sharp Practice for my appointment and to meet Jac.

The Sharp Practice itself is a shop that me and my sister always stop by whenever we're in Salisbury, nice little alternative place, even though it is more often than not filled with a bunch of emo kids - typical skinny jeans, chunky belts and ridiculous haircuts, oh dear. Out back, is the tattoo bit, almost a separate shop with the usual racks of tattoo designs mounted on every available wall space. I gave them my design that was then scanned in and turned to a test transfer before I was led in to a small sideroom.

Sat down in a chair that looked all too suspiciously dentist chair-like, Mal, the guy I got inked by (known for specialising in massive, intricate and colourful Japanese designs - his work is incredible) placed the transfer, checked it with me and then prepped the ink into tiny little pots. This point is the true point of no return, and bloody hell, do you know it!

The transfer is set, the tattoo artist prepares the gun (giving it a couple of revs that have this brilliant way of making your stomach knot that bit more) and then the gun hit my skin, I was a bit disappointed. Not trying to sound hopelessly brave, but I did spend the entire 20 minutes wondering where this agonising pain was supposed to come in.

Quite fun to watch actually. Probably would have been worse if the needle movement was visible to the human eye. I was grinning like an idiot apparently. Gotta love endorphins, must get tattooed more often.

The rest of the day was chilled and it was the kind of day that you long for. The atmosphere between you and other folk is perfect and chilling with them is the best thing in the world. Budweiser and king prawns at Wetherspoons with Jac and Dan, followed by wandering about Salisbury, chilling in the cathedral grounds, ice cream and then a very random cinema trip with some of the drama lot. Incredible.

And just to gross you guys out and make those of you thinking about getting a tat think very seriously, this is the tattoo about an hour after inking :-)

"Look on it that you know how much it hurts not to be loved, and it makes being loved all the better for knowing what life was like without it." - David Clarke

Sorry folks, this one's going to be a bit depressing. It's just it's strange how this happens. I am beginning to dread that day each year when I become another year older, because each time, I lose something or get left behind to ask questions that will never have answers and never be heard by who they need to be answered.

It took 5 years of sending out an SOS, being told what/when/why was happening, but still not understanding it. Everyone around me truly had no idea. No idea how to make it right, no idea how to fix things. There were no answers for anything at all, except chemicals and the most hollow words, the days merged and there was no median or common ground with anyone at all, at least not until recent days.

After 5 years, I found an ally somewhere in the mess of it all and for once, I could breathe a bit easier. There were vast amounts of common ground and so many impossiblities, improbabilites and coincidences that reinstate my belief in fate, that some things and chance meetings aren't so chance at all.

There was just one person on this lonely, god-awful planet that knew exactly where I was and stood with me. I had truth, not advice, no answers, just a light in the dark; someone in the same place who made me believe that even though we had no answers, there was a vague glimmer of a promise, just an idea that we'd figure it out together.

I've done everything I can, all I need this time is to hope that all these words, truths and promises haven't been as empty as I feel they are now.

Matinee Club - Sometimes - "Sometimes I feel the things you say are words that I can't hear."

Taser Guns & Tarot Cards

I need some optimism here, my blog is looking a bit bleak, so I will write about last night. The PV Squadron played a neat little pub called The Railway Tavern, not too central to town as to get the usual host of crackpots and drunks, but not far out enough as to not get an audience at all.

We had a whole host of tech problems surrounding my bass amp last night, quite plausibly a dry joint around the DI - there was that horrible underwateryhissy sound and quite a bit of swearing. Amps really aren't built to last anymore.

Anyway, halfway through a relatively frustrating gig when we usually have our break, I went and sat with Ozzy and Pip, when a fellow pub-goer came over to us randomly and asked if we believed in tarot. Both I and my friends nodded and she asked if she could test her new cards out on us. We agreed and so were led outside to a table and a couple of chairs.

My past card was Kwan Yin, which refers to recent sacrifices, my present card Pele refers to certain creative events, while the one I was most interested in was my future card. This turned out to be Rhiannon, the card that points to ideas and aan ongoing project that wants to take off. This matched up exactly with what has been showing up when I have had my tarot done in the past 6 months. Ever since about, October, maybe longer, the future card points to an idea or project that is still formulating but will be successful. I think I know what that is, let's hope it works.

On another note, I am losing sleep because of a stalker... Does anyone have a taser? He is harmless as far as I can tell, but I could do without it.

The Fragile

It was a random day, waking up at stupid o clock because of noise on the A303 is a pain, but once I'm awake, I'm awake. Two hours later, about six, I got a text, much to my surprise.

It turned out to be a day of plans, much discussion, county-hopping and real randomities.

I met with Kitty at 12 at the Mills and within an hour, on a spur-of-the-moment dig, we were high-tailing it across the border to Wiltshire/Viltosheeristan to pick up an ally going by the name of Emzebah of Wintahsloca, a noble rogue living in the back of the middle of the front of nowhere(there was much concern as to cultural differences, "Do they speak English in Wiltshire?" "Dunno, but I haven't got my passport" and so forth). Stopped at Wintahsloca, and hit the road again, three rebels without a cause/clue, whichever one prefers.

Got to a pub in the strange land of Viltosheeristan, in a place called Armpitton, where we fuelled up on the local commodities and trinkets, much discussion about men, music and other random things, all the while scaring the locals (thanks to Emzebah of Wintahsloca for translating :-D ).

After offending many Viltosheerstanis we made a swift exit, kidnapping Emzebah as a guide to get us out of the strange land, dropping her off at the border at Wintahsloca, before fleeing the native llamas and arriving at an outpost/freehouse on the 'Ampshire border, and planning a very exciting side project as a distraction for the trauma experienced in Viltosheeristan. Once fuelled on coffee, it was back to the mills for a jukebox root before we decided to call it a (very random) day.

So, yes. I have optimism in the form of a nifty little side-project of two bored bassplayers. It's been discussed and kicked about before, but I think it could work. Lots of hope and sparkly things here.

Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile - "I won't let you fall apart."

I am in something like shock. I am sat worrying so much it hurts and asking whichever higher power that happens to be listening, "Why you?"

Given To Fly

I'm the one coming back for you,
When you fall behind
And I will always shine for you,
When there's no light to find.
So, don't turn away, no, don't ever turn away,
I'm always by your side,
Let's leave this place, ah now, let's leave this place,
For where chains will never bind.

Brave the fire, we're alive
Never to burn, only to fly

Here's to never giving up so don't give up on me,
Follow me to where I stand,
No more words now, let's go home,
I think that you can understand.

Brave the fire, we're alive
Never to burn, only to fly
Brave the fire, we're alive
Never to burn, only to fly

The skies may change, but we remain,
Once we were here and we will be again.

This is a track of mine that I came up with the concept of in about October/November time. It started with a pretty nice folk rhythm and a riff that followed it in D minor, a chord I can't escape no matter what the fuck I write. The weird thing about it was that it's one of those that you don't really have to really try. It's like it wants to be written so you just breathe life into it and BAM! you've got something that's come directly from your solar plexus (that bit just at the bottom of your ribcage where you feel those big, heavy emotions).

The lyrics followed on nicely, at the exact right point and place in time. I'd recently met a confidante, someone I had a lot in common with and it was weird that after 5 years of feeling the way I did, my subconscious SOS that I'd been sending out all that time got heard by someone on the exact same frequency of reality. It was also pretty neat to have something flow that wasn't the usual right-wing political folk I'm rather apt at or other such "angry" material. I was standing on the other side of where I'd been before when I wrote it. "Given To Fly" is a general working title...

The recording process was brilliant. We kept it nice and raw - like folk-rock should be. We started with acoustic guitars, generally making up the structure as we went along; there's some brilliant studio banter between me and Becca from the live room which I'm sure either Emili or Dan probably have a copy of somewhere. Drums came next and Auver put down such a brilliant drum track, this amazing shuffling rhythm with hot rods - something the guy deserves a lot of cred for, considering there are a few shaky points from the guitars (done in one take!) - kudos to you, Auvs!

Put down a basic folk-rock bassline, going between tonic and fifths, boosting the rhythmic importance, followed by some dodgy improvised mandolin. Not long after that Becca put some vocals down - absolutely gorgeous vocal texture, watch out for this one before she's too famous to speak to any of us :-)

We still have to add the piano to it but I am very happy with the progress. It started folk and has wound up amazingly country, but I cannot enthuse how awesome it is working with Becca, Auver, Emili and Dan. Pretty crazy, especially with the drama lot running past, screaming every few minutes, but awesome. The in-between pub trips and theory-skiving also rocked!!

I think it's going to be on an EP thingy. A couple of tracks from Becca, Auver and me - we can't think of a band/project name but Da Capo is one that's been kicked about like an old muddy leathery football.

The credits and production notes for it should look something like this.

Da Capo - Given To Fly
Music & Lyrics - Bev M
Vocals - Becca LJ & Bev M
Guitars - Bev M & Becca LJ
Bass - Bev M
Piano - Auver G
Drums - Auver G
Production/Recording/Mixing/Reallyconfusingtechshit - Dan M & Emili B
Photography - Emili B (couldn't ask for anyone better! Em is truly a legend and all out incredible with a camera.)

A Request To The Male Half Of The Species

• Chivalry is lovely, but please don't make us feel invalid and incapable.
• Telling tragic stories about your ex doesn't really work as far as romanticising goes, nor will it get much sympathy.
• Texting/phoning at 2am while in a drunken stupor to declare your undying love is not cool. I like sleep.
• Pretending to have a really quite serious disorder and creating an elaborate scenario around it takes the piss.
• Continually putting a stream of kisses at the end of texts is also not cool, especially when you don't get any back in the reply and you persist in doing so.
• Texting/MSNing/other messaging every day to ask when I'll go down the pub with you or out is also a pain, borderline harassment.
• Getting involved in situations that you have no clue as to what's going on at all in an attempt to be all manly is also pretty sucky. I am not incapable as to deal with my own problems and could really do without you weighing in at the 11th hour believing you fully comprehend the situation.
• Texting to declare me a "fucking whore" is also not really the best way to go about winning me over. This is also an impossible statement ;-)
• Asking if I'm gay and then revealing that you and your metalhead buddies had bets on me being so all of last year is, well, unique to know, but doesn't score anything when you ask me out after laughing about this.
• Using your friends to guilt-trip me is also no way to go.
• Asking why I won't go out with you after all of this endless pestering and childishness is another few points in the minus degrees.

The request? Those two lovely words, one being "off". You men are a wee bit clueless sometimes.

Depeche Mode - Enjoy The Silence - "Words like violence, break the silence and come crashing in, into my little world."

Feel Berlin

Friday was a good day, bar the problem of the lion (Latin word for lion, look it up).

The car journey down to So'ton was bad. The problemlion boasted/bragged pretty much all the way down, even my parent was quite disgusted. "I can do this... I can do that... my score on...". Over the years, Problemlion still has no idea that he is bitched about constantly and hated by quite plausibly everyone in the general Andover populace and beyond and has been for... years.

Me being me and being pretty gutless, an all out chicken and walk-overable, for some obsolete reason stuck with this self-absorbed, insensitive bastard for a few years.

My greatest mistake was trying to help him, one day in 2006 and if I could do anything to change that choice, I'd do it. It has to be understood here that I am not a person of hate, rage or anger. I am a pacifist, who until recent years have never truly 'hated' anyone. How could anyone be that self-obsessed, convinced that they know everything about a subject that they happen to waltz into, really hurt people, walk around with a holier-than-thou attitude, think that they have a host of talents without even trying, declare they have depression/MPD and seek attention in stupid ways and too much more to list without realising how hated they are?

I've done enough for the Problemlion, ruined a lot for the sake of his pettyness and stupidness, lost a lot for the sake of him and his little pop-punk/emo fag crusades.

The MPD incident was the last straw along with the constant bragging about his "relationship" with a friend.

How many people around him have apparently killed themselves or died tragically? Must be about 20 last count. That's either attention-seeking bollocks or he's driving them to it.

He keeps saying he's in a band, wants to start a band, gets frustrated when I won't join his band. This is because he can't play drums, he can't sing and has never really had any inclination to learn or recognise that learning and getting to gigging stage takes a long while, a lot of work, a lot of musicianship (which he has never shown any degree of - ever) and actually getting a job helps.
Live under your rich 'rents by all means, but understand that things aren't always going to be handed to you on a plate. Being on the reserved list for the trolley boy position at ASDA doesn't count as a job that pays money. Doing "roady duty" for a band - actually I rephrase that - it isn't roady duty, it's standing around doing little except ass-kissing the band - "Look at my new photoshop creation - it's got you in it!" or "My band could support yours when we get going" or some other stupid whiny thing I'd expect my 3 year old cousin to come up with in need of attention or recognition of a newly acquired skill - and that's an insult to my three year old cousin.

Another point with actual work is that you generally have to work, something you have no concept of whatsoever. Go cry because you're only allowed a Porsche and not a Ferrari or something. Go and scratch your arms to make it seem like you need help. You ruined one second too many on Friday, chuck.

The MPD incident conversation in full. Unedited with comments in red.
Problemlion: Bev, listen to me well and do -not- repeat ANY of this to anyone... okay?
My bullshit radar overloaded and broke.
Stitch: ok
Problemlion: I've got Mutliple Personality Disorder, and i'm fucking shitting myself
Stitch: definite?
Problemlion: GP comfirmed it this morning
Stitch: cripes
Stitch: they give you meds?
Problemlion: yeah, and a shrink
Problemlion: Parents ain't ever going to know, so if at any point they ask about something, i'm with you. Seriously Bev, i -need- your help
Stitch: what meds? things could depend on what tehy give you
Problemlion: I just take em
Stitch: which ones?
Problemlion: brb, gonna go get them
Problemlion: gave me anti-depressates
Problemlion: depressants*
Stitch: name?
Stitch: name on box?
Problemlion: lithium
Problemlion: That mean anything to ya bev? Cause it don't ta me
Already suspicious, the fact that he had MPD would mean that no matter what his age his parents would've been notified and the lack of interest in the medication you're placed on is slightly worrying.
Stitch: which company? some companies do things slightly different
Problemlion: Just says Lithium hun
Problemlion: Pills are White and Circlar if that helps
Stitch: you got a pic at all? im wondering what the mg is
The mg stats by law are always on the outside of the box and usually in big unmissable numbers.
Problemlion: Nah, i'm gonna put them away again Bev... Really worried parents are gonna walk in
Stitch: ok
Problemlion: Seriously Bev, i don't know wtf to do... my GP gave me this shit... i've take my dose for the day... yet... i'm just praying to god she got it wrong
Cry for attention, chuck.
Stitch: what's the mg on the box?
Problemlion: I've put it back now Bev
Stitch: k
Problemlion: Did you want to know the brand Bev?
Problemlion: Does Camcolit mean the brand?
Camcolit is an American brand of lithium, unavailable in this country.
Problemlion: Bev,... I'm gonna go.. I'm feeling a bit wierd right now
That probably meant, "gee, I'm going to leave this conversation because I haven't researched this big attention-digging lie enough and I'm gonna get caught."
Stitch: ok
Stitch: I think you're on the wrong meds though
Ooze the sarcasm.
Problemlion: I'll talk to my GP in the morning
Problemlion: Fuck.... i'm shaking
Stitch: Lithium isn't an anti-depressant, just anti-manic.
Stitch: Wrong meds completely.
Problemlion: :S
Problemlion: Fucking hope there isn't any side-effects is badly taken
Problemlion: okay....
Problemlion: see ya
Stitch: ciao

The next day
Problemlion: Y aget my message bev?
Stitch: nope?
Problemlion: Doc got it wrong!
Stitch: yeah?
Oh, yay. Yippee. Which medical centre/doctor did you say you were with?
Problemlion: Some-one reviewed my case and just thought it was stress
Problemlion: third doc gave an opinion and agreed with the second
There is no way in hell a diagnosis would've been reached that quick anyway, let alone being put on medication and to get a fully-surveyed second and third opinion... that's a couple of months, not 13 and a half hours.
Stitch: well that's cool
Stitch: relief hmm?
Problemlion: Not kidding!
Stitch: well, it's good to know you don't have it
Problemlion: Yeah, i feel a lot better
Stitch: I was surprised though...
Problemlion: at what?
Stitch: MPD's weird
Problemlion: Weird?
Stitch: yeah
Stitch: my friend who has it doesn't remember their alter egos or conversations their alter egos have.
A known fact with MPD. I have no friend with MPD and sincerely hope I never do.
Stitch: t'was frightening
Guilt-trip a little.

If you know who I'm on about, I am no longer talking to him. Tell him I have cast all ties etc, tell him I've done a runner with a Spanish lover - if it's creative, all the better, be my guest.

Orgy - Opticon - "Let's fake an answer for the curious, let's fake it all for the fame. They'll think delivering was easy, living the fairytales and the lies... guess what you're out of time."

Divenire

I felt alive tonight.

I went and saw a particular band down at the Joiners in Southampton. Put up with a lot, paid a lot to get there.

Arrived in Southampton around 5 and met up with a few people, drank with a few friends.

They played "Goodbye", a song I have waited years to hear live. And just before, someone amazing reached past the people in the row in front and grabbed my hand for a few seconds. Not the Problemlion's, despite all of the things he can do or all of his problems or that he was standing next to me. Not the hand of the other few hundred people there.

Quite possibly the best gig in a very long time, the best day in a very long time.

Plastic Toys - Goodbye - "I don't have to be afraid anymore."

Sirens + Wavelengths

Something of a long day. I don't know how I can clarify quite how I'm feeling. It's a mess, I'm worried and quite tired, and it's laced with a heavy anger.

- I am tired of a certain insensitive bastard who claims to have "Multiple Personality Disorder" only to have such a vast diagnosis, "reassessed" the next day and to be free of it, while pleading with me not to mention it to his parents that he is on some medication, though unable to tell me what the medication is called, what the brand is or how many mg he is on. I am tired of him criticising me and showing off like an 8 year old and also think he needs to wake up and realise that people don't like hearing about him, or how desperate he is to get laid and when he finally does, he says it "upsets" him, for the attention.

- I am waiting to hear from someone who I think the absolute world of, the only person on this planet that I trust and am on the same wavelength with. It's your choice. I am always around and always on your side and some days, there's nothing I wouldn't give to carry it for you. I wish you could see yourself how we see you, an absolute star, who I, and a lot of people need around, because there are not enough good people on this lonely planet.

- Every night I work the DIY store, it's so mind-numbingly boring that I must lose at least 10 IQ points. I lift heavy shit and open cardboard boxes with a plastic safety knife, I deal with smelly old people looking for gardening things and equally smelly fortysomething year old men in the trades. £4.40 an hour.

- I am living on excuses. I'm missing something important. Some kind of focus.

Every passing second seems to rip another little bit of me away, right from the heavydeadweight in my chest - apparently this is normal.

Dag Hammarskjold - "Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."

Joy Division - In A Lonely Place - "Body that curls in and dies, and shares that awful daylight, warm like a dog round your feet, how I wish you were here with me now."

The Downward Spiral

I happened to be listening to Nine Inch Nails' "The Downward Spiral" today. The album itself is genius.

Quite genius, not really something I listen to in a bad mood too often, it has a way of getting inside your head. "Curse our chemical imbalances!" as one friend says.

Nine Inch Nails - Every Day Is Exactly The Same - "I can’t remember how this got started, but I can tell you exactly how it will end".

A Disclaimer

I have no overtly fanciful words, no real words of wisdom or knowledge, not even some bizarre mission statement. I have no real observations on anything, just high morals and rather inaccurate opinions.

My entire life story will never be on this blog, just examples.

I'm hoping to do this as honestly as possible so if it offends you, just don't read it.

One disposessed voice

Well... not a lot here, I guess. I feel like writing though, without a reason.

I signed 12 weeks of my life away earlier this week, a contract with Homebase... the hourly rate is 4p less than Focus but the people I work with are ok.

The little jam session with my drummer, Tony and his son Dan was good, albeit one slight problem. The other guitarist turned out to be a grade A snob, one of the Rock School/Guitar School stock who get taught a tiny bit of technique or theory and think that this holds them superior above their fellow musicians, certainly bassists and drummers.

Also, music-wise, Pretty Vacant are just sorting the details around a support slot with a really old, but really well-known band that is fairly exciting stuff.

I have a photo of me and two friends that I found again today...

It made me smile - I think this was Christmas '06 - and it was a happy time. I said goodbye to them a little while ago, but the impact they had on who I am is unimaginable. I first met them when I was about 12/13, and my god, I must've driven them up the wall at times. A couple of years passed. They kept me grounded and I love them to bits.

I don't see them around anymore, as a result of my own choices and the need to change. I woke up one day and found that I had no idea who I was anymore and had to leave the same stale routine. I find myself in the present day, feeling more alone than I think I've ever felt. And that's all I can think of to say.

I'm sat around hoping the only person I trust at all on this planet reads this, because they're proving pretty hard to reach. You'll know who you are when you read this because you know exactly what I'm on about. Confidante.

Orgy - Dissention - "They turn your confidence against you now... let live, let go."

Timesick

Went and saw Plastic Toys on Thursday night, damn good gig, worth the pneumonia and being shoved in a bloody great puddle.

I feel the need to whore up the Plastic Toys here, as today is when their debut album is released. I first came across them 3/4 years ago - I was suppposed to be playing a gig but it fell through, so I headed down to the George instead where some bands were playing. I was blown away by this electro-rock band, got a demo CD, got it signed and spent much of the following weeks with it on 'repeat all' mode.

If there is an album to buy, then it's this one, so go order it, the link's on their official site.

The gig last Thursday was a wake-up call - it is everytime I see the 'Toys play. It's refreshing and makes me push myself as a musician and wonder why I haven't yet got on to doing anything original. Ironically, I got a phone call the next day from my drummer. His twenty something son needs a bassist for some original stuff, so hopefully I'll be able to post some news on that come next weekend as to how first rehearsal goes.

Idlewild - You Held The World - "When days never change and it's three years later... how does it feel to be three years late?"

Grey January

Well, here I am crashed out in that horrible staleness that is January... ridiculously slow moving time of year...

I presently have no job because Focus closed down and this means I'm a bit skint, especially after the second week of the holidays when I blew 60 quid on caffeine and £140 down the pub in a week. Oops.

I left a lecture on Tuesday to go down the pub with two very cool people, namely Emili and Kitty (a touch ironic seeing as the lecture was stage management and all). While I shouldn't have done so, I really needed it, more than I think I realised. It reminded me of a few things that I've drifted away from lately.

I got an interesting text last night that's made me feel pretty... crap and I'm trying to make sense of in my mind.

Corrosion Of Conformity - Drowning In A Daydream - "You get so high but you still can't fly, and you wonder if you're really where you want to be."

One Day

So... another blog. My old one was all politics and such, and I thought I needed a new one, despite the fact that no-one reads these here blog things.

Seeing as I have no idea what to write in this thing, I will explain the banner at the top of the page until more gainful opportunities arise. The sea is... the sea. Bottom left and top right are pictures of my band, Pretty Vacant (if you were wondering, I am the youngest by quite a bit and have fun reminding the guys of this minor fact), the picture of three folks with their backs to the camera and white tape spelling out assem, deesem and teesem would be the greatest stage management team. Ever. Bottom right is a really rather fabulous band going by the collective name of "Plastic Toys".

If there's any band you should see/buy their album then it's these guys. They're bringing a sound to the music industry that blows everything else out of the water, so check them out (http://www.plastictoys.co.uk/)

Custom - One Day - "One day I'll be grown up and you'll still be in my head.".