Hints, Allegations And Things Left Unsaid

Writing from the states, had to after today's enlightening experience. Out at Islands Of Adventure (not a Walt Disney Wank theme park, thank fuck!), we walked past a psychic tent, something tourists buy into really. The people in the tent didn't try and get you to buy in, instead they let human curiosity run as it should. It was $15 for 5 minutes with a card reader and after umming and ahhing about it for a few, I went for it.

All I told my card reader was my first name and I was very careful of my body language. This it turned out would've been impossible to pick-up on as she did most of the reading with her eyes closed.

First she got me to shuffle a relatively thick deck, which going by the rough amount I guessed was probably your standard major and minor arcana deal and then 2 smaller decks of cards (I'm not sure what type).

She spread the cards out as I had shuffled them and told me to pick several cards from the main deck and one from each smaller deck.

I did so and the cards were placed, the Three Of Swords appearing again (if I had a quid for the amount of times it has appeared, I could pay off a student loan).

The first three cards were Travelling, The Warrior and The Star.

- I will find myself very soon if it hasn't already started and it will happen very quickly.
- I will find a passion and it will become rooted in my heart.
- I am just about to get on my path.
- The Three Of Swords was important. She mentioned that 3 is a very important number in my life (I have been thinking about that lately). She said it was 3 months/3 years or 3 loves, something around the number 3 that I had been hurt by.
- Something that happened in March was important (I think I know exactly what).
- Someone promised you a lot "that has never come to pass". (Again, I know exactly what).
- I will let go of everything around the Three Of Swords soon.
- Parents: Both come from a loving place; better relationship with mother, father - hard around the edges, soft inside, very accurate.
- I have the potential to make a lot of money. Tied to this card was one that basically affirmed that I need to speak up and be more assertive.
- There is something that I need to do now, or in spring, but not in November, December or January (again, I think I know what).
- "Not crazy, not schizo" - different sides to personality, how she phrased it was very accurate.
- "In touch with your spirituality".
- Sexuality issues will become clear.
- "Not a bad childhood, but turbulent times" (very accurate) - I am letting go of these at the moment apparently.

And ran out of time before the future card, though it was probably a good thing going by what my cousins got.

The Ancestry Post

I'm going to post a random post once in a while on a random direct ancestor. I have some rather odd and interesting ones. The American genepool is a tad messy.

One of my great great grandfathers...

Name: Zachary B. Branch
Sex: M
Birth: Jan 1875
Death: 1930 in Pope County, Arkansas
Burial: Pigsah Cemetery, Atkins, Arkansas
Quoted from a cousin... Boyd (a relative) told of Zach living in the Bottoms of the Arkansas River. A drunk man came to the porch. He told him to leave... he kept trying to get in Zach's house. Zach shot him and then turned himself in for doing it.

Excerpt from a newspaper

Oct. 17, 1912 - Will Hughes Shot
by Zack Branch
Will Hughes was shot by Zack Branch at the
latter's house near the Arkansas River, 5 miles southeast of Russellville,
yesterday morning at 2o'clock... Mr. Boyd said these Branches were not ones to
mess with as they would just 'shoot you'.

The Backyard Babies

Went with my sister and my dad to see The Backyard Babies last night. Not bad at all! Zara's been a huge fan of Backyard for a while (understatement, about 4 years) and dad's still into his punk - he doesn't grow up!

Got to The Brook after about an hour and a half of driving and a few wrong turns, even with the satnav. Queued up for about ten minutes before the doors opened and we headed to the upstairs bar for beers and to watch the first band, Skintight Jaguars. They were pretty good, the audience just wasn't awake at that point sadly.

Next up, Crucified Barbara. Definitely a breath of fresh air, I haven't been so inspired or blown away by a band for about three years. Musically amazing and as weird as it seems, I've never seen a girl solo anywhere near the standards that I saw last night and the bassplayer showed up a lot of others with the walking fingers technique. Definitely checking this band out again.

The Backyard set passed in a blur, we were right by Dregen :-) They didn't play "A Song For The Outcast", but they did do "Fuck Off And Die", "Nomadic", "Minus Celsius" and "The Clash" :-)

I just got a bit scared, playing about with Google Earth. I've been putting down placemarks as to where my friends are all disappearing to when they go to uni and the distance is visible from space.

A Certain Shade Of Green

Last night I was reminded again just how bitchy and downright nasty the pub cover scene can be. For one, I appreciate that my place in the band is something of a novelty for those that come see us. I am female and the youngest member of the band by about 15 years (our drummer is 30 years older than myself). There is only one other female on the entire Andover pub covers circuit. I understand the novelty there, but twice members of other bands have tried to use this for cheap shots. Bit low level?

I beg a question of the local scene of 40-somethings who play music for whatever reason... Can we please just stick to the music?

Incubus - A Certain Shade Of Green - "Are you going to stand around 'til twentytwelve AD? What are you waiting for, a certain shade of green?"

All the countless horrible grey clouds surrounding the concept of going to university cleared in my head today. I've been joking around with going to a university as far away as possible to get away from everything, just to break away. I was rooting around and looking at the websites of Scottish universities and I suddenly knew exactly where I was going and exactly what I was going to do. I stumbled on it by mistake but instinct has told me that this could very possibly be it.

Commercial Music at the University Of The West Of Scotland - Ayr (30 miles southwest of Glasgow)
"The primary objective of this course is to enable those with talent and ability to forge a varied, life-long career. Incorporating performance, business, technology and sociology elements, the course is delivered predominantly at University Campus, Ayr. It is structured around a spine of key skills modules (IT, Communication and Negotiation Skills, Structure of the Music Industry, Applied Creativity), and allows students to select modules in Performance and/or Production and/or Industry Environment/Sociology thereby customising the final qualification to suit their chosen career path.

Advanced project work including record releases and performance events will be staged regularly to develop the students' experience and understanding of the industry environment. Open to musicians, producers, DJs, re-mixers, those wishing to run small record companies, develop artists or stage live events, the course will encourage each student to develop a group of specialisms making them sufficiently versatile to sustain not one, but several serial careers in the music industry."

I just know that this is the general direction I am headed and I have never felt quite so sure about anything in my entire life. At college I have been unsure of which direction to go in, nothing really sticking out for me, but this is enlightenment. It incorporates music and media in so many ways.

- Choice of direction of the course, performance/production/sociology.
- Analysis of copyright and intellectual property.
- Professional practice.
- Digital music and video production.
- Events production.
- Investigation of the international music markets.
- Website design.
- Music product design.
- 4 week industry placement.
- Album production, venue production, artist development and radio production.
- Festival and tour production.

Steady On Your Feet

I am in self-destruct mode, though I don't know why. I think maybe I need to take some time to realign what really holds any meaning to me, and what will carry me to where I need to be.

First of all, a friend's photography project needs to be brought up. A genius idea, going with the PostSecret style; I was asked to do a card a while back and write a secret on it. I had never come across this "PostSecret" idea before this, so I thought long and hard. I don't think I have any skeletons and yet I think I do at the same time, so rather than trying to psychoanalyse myself, I wrote down an issue, maybe something that wasn't openly known before as opposed to a "secret".

I am no longer with one of the most nicest men on this planet. He is right, we are very different. However, I will always thank him for teaching me a lot about myself, whether he realised it or not. There were these little encouraging challenges from him that I needed, though they didn't really click until now. A "c'mon, let's go" or "c'mon, let's do this" or "how about...?" instead of shrugs of dismissal like someone with no aim in life. Little challenges, from a true day-seizer, someone who is really going places; I wish him all the best and guarantee that there will be someone truly amazing who will be the right one for him.

The "secret" on the card? "I've never trusted any man even though I have no reason not to."

That has changed and I am and will always be grateful.

Soul Asylum - Runaway Train - "You were there like a blowtorch burning, I was a key that could use a little turning."

Questions Of Self

I think I need to post this for the one or two friends that do drop by this from time to time explained properly here

Certain common myths that the poster explains later include the "You just haven't met the right guy". If I had a quid for every time I've been told this, I could pay for my driving lessons, university education and quite possibly pay off a mortgage.

I'm not "saving myself" as I have informed most so that I am not roped into some long discussion where I will be disbelieved. I just don't want it. I'm not trying to keep myself pure so that when I actually do get married it will be "special". I am fully prepared and in favor of an entire life without. Don't assume that my lack of interest translates to "waiting for the right person" or some other excuse.

There we go, I've found myself.

The Levellers - Men-an-Tol - "It's there to find if you've got the mind and you don't live in fear of it."

T-Day

Well, I finally got around to getting inked as planned yesterday. Met Dan that morning in Salisbury and we sat and chilled with an epic Starbucks frapp - I mean seriously epic, mochachoca something or other, truly truly epic and impossible to finish (the kind of coffee that sends mere mortals into insulin shock) - before heading over to The Sharp Practice for my appointment and to meet Jac.

The Sharp Practice itself is a shop that me and my sister always stop by whenever we're in Salisbury, nice little alternative place, even though it is more often than not filled with a bunch of emo kids - typical skinny jeans, chunky belts and ridiculous haircuts, oh dear. Out back, is the tattoo bit, almost a separate shop with the usual racks of tattoo designs mounted on every available wall space. I gave them my design that was then scanned in and turned to a test transfer before I was led in to a small sideroom.

Sat down in a chair that looked all too suspiciously dentist chair-like, Mal, the guy I got inked by (known for specialising in massive, intricate and colourful Japanese designs - his work is incredible) placed the transfer, checked it with me and then prepped the ink into tiny little pots. This point is the true point of no return, and bloody hell, do you know it!

The transfer is set, the tattoo artist prepares the gun (giving it a couple of revs that have this brilliant way of making your stomach knot that bit more) and then the gun hit my skin, I was a bit disappointed. Not trying to sound hopelessly brave, but I did spend the entire 20 minutes wondering where this agonising pain was supposed to come in.

Quite fun to watch actually. Probably would have been worse if the needle movement was visible to the human eye. I was grinning like an idiot apparently. Gotta love endorphins, must get tattooed more often.

The rest of the day was chilled and it was the kind of day that you long for. The atmosphere between you and other folk is perfect and chilling with them is the best thing in the world. Budweiser and king prawns at Wetherspoons with Jac and Dan, followed by wandering about Salisbury, chilling in the cathedral grounds, ice cream and then a very random cinema trip with some of the drama lot. Incredible.

And just to gross you guys out and make those of you thinking about getting a tat think very seriously, this is the tattoo about an hour after inking :-)

"Look on it that you know how much it hurts not to be loved, and it makes being loved all the better for knowing what life was like without it." - David Clarke

Sorry folks, this one's going to be a bit depressing. It's just it's strange how this happens. I am beginning to dread that day each year when I become another year older, because each time, I lose something or get left behind to ask questions that will never have answers and never be heard by who they need to be answered.

It took 5 years of sending out an SOS, being told what/when/why was happening, but still not understanding it. Everyone around me truly had no idea. No idea how to make it right, no idea how to fix things. There were no answers for anything at all, except chemicals and the most hollow words, the days merged and there was no median or common ground with anyone at all, at least not until recent days.

After 5 years, I found an ally somewhere in the mess of it all and for once, I could breathe a bit easier. There were vast amounts of common ground and so many impossiblities, improbabilites and coincidences that reinstate my belief in fate, that some things and chance meetings aren't so chance at all.

There was just one person on this lonely, god-awful planet that knew exactly where I was and stood with me. I had truth, not advice, no answers, just a light in the dark; someone in the same place who made me believe that even though we had no answers, there was a vague glimmer of a promise, just an idea that we'd figure it out together.

I've done everything I can, all I need this time is to hope that all these words, truths and promises haven't been as empty as I feel they are now.

Matinee Club - Sometimes - "Sometimes I feel the things you say are words that I can't hear."